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Also by r.h. Sin Whiskey Words & a Shovel I Whiskey Words & a Shovel II Whiskey Words & a Shovel III Rest in the Mourning A Beautiful Composition of Broken Algedonic Planting Gardens in Graves [image: ] scene one. you’re waiting aren’t you you’re always waiting for a sign something that’ll help you believe in him and all of his lies you’re in denial about the truth never questioning his excuse say you think highly of yourself but you still entertain his abuse what happened to your soul i see the bruises and the scars he never deserved to touch your canvas how’d you forget that you are art i know it fucking hurts but i’ll just say this because it’s true any man who hurts your heart is incapable of falling for you and i know somewhere you agree this is the hardest lesson learned thought it was cool to play with fire but no one warned you that it’d burn now all the promises were broken you cut yourself on shards of lies smiling in every selfie but inside you scream and cry now what’s a heart to do when it aches black and blue you put trust in his hands but now his hands are harming you there is love, i hope you find it it lives within, i hope you find it that text says, “baby i miss you” but i hope you know he’s lying think of me a friend or a stranger who gives a fuck i just wish to see you grow i’m tired of seeing you stuck scene two. where do you go when your eyes stare into the moon where do you go when your heart feels too heavy to hold do you even know how beautiful you are how the stars envy you full of a light that shines through darkness full of life in the dead of night searching for yourself lost in a forest of misfortune and betrayal you could yell and wake up the sun a; nd yet you sit silently in the darkness in deep thought like a daydream that occurs at night i wonder where you wander when you look into the moon scene three. she felt like feeling nothing cold like a touch of winter empty like the wine bottles that took up space in her room a summer of mistakes led her here a bed filled with loneliness and a heart tired of breaking she felt like feeling nothing she grew tired missing you scene four. just because they’re good-looking doesn’t mean they’ll be good to you some things or some bodies are just nice to look at but those same things those same some bodies could be the same ones to destroy the joy in your heart be careful scene five. she knows things she knows so much more than you realize noticing it all and so much of what she sees has become too much for her heart she lives with it your secrets, your lies the things you’ve kept hidden she knows every hiding place and yet she says nothing she sits silently watching you play a losing game with her heart one day she’ll let you know what she knows and that’ll be the day that she’s ready to let go scene six. i think in some way the liquor complicated but somehow complemented her grief in a temporary way often drinking whatever she could with hopes of drowning her demons and i don’t think she was wrong for searching for a cure but i do wish she knew that what she actually needed was to find more of herself because at the end of each night she had always been the one strong enough to save her own soul from the pits of depression scene seven. midnight has been harsh to her heart betrayed by her own mind the soul of a woman damaged by the person she should have never loved overthinking herself into a version of hell tonight she fights struggling to survive but somehow on this night she’ll overcome her troubles scene eight. she realized that wanting him meant losing herself she realized that she couldn’t save her own soul because her hands were too busy holding the hand of someone who no longer deserved her energy scene nine. sometimes you just have to let go of certain people in order to make room for something beautiful to enter your life scene ten. save yourself for yourself right now only you deserve you scene eleven. i hope you stop caring when they do i hope you walk away because they will i hope you know that you’ll be fine and they’ll regret losing a woman like you scene twelve. winter calls the air changes and the sky turns pale relationships become complicated a love turned hell like seasons changing love fades like the warmth of a summer and now the process begins the letting go of a lover scene thirteen. who were you before you decided to let the world dictate who you’d become sure enough you’ve always been beautiful and yet you’ve struggled to see this because society took your truth then replaced it with lies i wish you knew just how remarkable you are i wish you knew just how amazing you already were before the world told you who you should be scene fourteen. when you go to bed with strangers you wake up lonelier than you previously felt the heart collapses into itself filling the void with more emptiness but the sex, it rarely helps scene fifteen. she walked through the fire wearing nothing but a smile because she knew damn well that she’d bring her demons to their knees scene sixteen. deserve me deserve me deserve me scene seventeen. fight for her while she still gives a fuck because one day you’ll be too late scene eighteen. i think there are times where you miss the version of yourself who never knew what it meant to feel betrayed scene nineteen. in you are poems that aren’t meant to be read by everyone scene twenty. she was more than they could ever comprehend she was more than she knew scene twenty-one. you are more than what you appear to be you are more than your exterior there’s so much more to you than the surface scene twenty-two. you were golden before him you’ll be golden after scene twenty-three. i think you outgrew them your heart finally realized that being happy meant letting go scene twenty-four. look at you . . . a heart filled with scars a soul that’s been aching and yet somehow you manage to smile scene twenty-five. a good heart with the right love falling for all the wrong people scene twenty-six. two flowers growing in opposite directions a friendship ending scene twenty-seven. how easy it is to become a poet between the hours of midnight and 3 in the morning scene twenty-eight. i can feel the weariness in your fingers as you turn each page in this book searching for something that’ll calm the raging oceans of negative emotions living within the temple of your heart i feel you i understand scene twenty-nine. she could finally look to herself once she realized that she had everything she needed scene thirty. the moon knows her better than any man could she told her secrets to the night and kept it all hidden behind a beautiful smile during the day scene thirty-one. the best revenge is realizing that you never needed the person who hurt you scene thirty-two. can’t argue with silence it never speaks back be silent when others no longer deserve your words scene thirty-three. you can’t plant yourself in unhealthy relationships and expect roses to grow scene thirty-four. you’re beautiful even when he doesn’t see it scene thirty-five. you are not wrong for wanting someone who reminds your heart that it deserves to be loved scene thirty-six. my dear you must learn to walk away from anyone who no longer appreciates your presence scene thirty-seven. don’t betray yourself just to protect those who never protect you scene thirty-eight. the sun doesn’t feel the same as it used to i’ve been hiding from its light in search of a shade that’ll keep my secrets from the rest of the world i used to smile listening to the birds chirping outside my window but now their melodies sound like chaos to my ears small animalistic reminders of how happier everything else is outside of myself and how sad i’ve become on a morning where i should be happy to be alive but i’m not my whole life has been about waiting always waiting, always hanging on to the tomorrows of today or trying to figure out how to survive the aches of yesterday my past has been riddled with riddles that i can’t solve and even though i’m used to this struggle i’m still fighting to evolve the rain falls from within overflowing internally i’m drowning, slowly consumed by the sadness of it all and somehow living in this moment feels like dying all the same still mourning. and you’re here your heart breaking your weary eyes staring at the words on this page you’re in search of something that’ll calm the chaos that lives within your mind you’re just searching for something to ease the aches that reside in your heart your pain has brought you here the hurt that dwells in your bones has brought you here to me i see you i hear you i feel you i understand you should be proud of yourself bending without breaking falling but finding the strength to pick yourself up from a pit filled with broken hearts and dreams dismantled by the lies of those incapable of being honest your softness is not a weakness your kindness is your strength give all of the things that they’ve taken for granted to yourself because right now more than anything you deserve you it’s time to love yourself echoes of ex. this isn’t what i wanted i thought i needed you until i realized that you never deserved me after them. it hurts because you cared more than you should have it hurts because your heart is brave enough to love unconditionally don’t be afraid of the hurt don’t run away from the pain in the midst of chaos you’ll cultivate peace after the destruction you’ll rebuild yourself thank you love. i know you you’re the girl with a smile on her face and sadness in her eyes you’re the girl refusing to let life break you you’re the girl who always survives you’re the one who inspired these words and so i thank God for you self, July 9th. she, a rose she brought herself to bloom aperture. if you want to taste the universe just kiss her July 9th 2017. and for so long she had no clue that all this time she was always saving herself all the mighty. powerful women are tired of trying for lovers who never try for them asking the night. i once spray-painted your name across the walls of my heart all the false sentiments that appeared to be genuine still push me to the edge of insanity thinking to myself how could i ever fall for someone too weak to catch me how could i love someone so empty for once. i waited and waited the moments passed slow and time slowly faded like color placed in bleach second and optional second and often last sometimes never picked at all my pain transformed into anger i waited and waited until i couldn’t anymore and there was nothing left for me to hold on to you lost me i lost nothing [image: blank space] my poems are interludes of everything the heart screams [image: blank space] there is nothing wrong with the feet of a woman who would rather walk toward peace than run to the middle of chaos [image: blank space] a hymn for her a melody for the soul hymn one. she is deeply daring a beautiful assortment of adventures she’s an experience worth fighting for hymn two. one day you’ll grow tired of loving people who don’t love you back hymn three. a man who is unsure about the way he feels for you is unworthy of a space in your heart hymn four. stop chasing things that make you lose yourself hymn five. he never told her why but somehow she always knew hymn six. she’d trade in those high heels for a comfortable pair of socks and a night of staying in cuddling on the couch in the arms of her favorite person hymn seven. all of my mistakes were people who were never what they promised to be hymn eight. i couldn’t find the words and so i sat silently screaming from within searching for a way out hymn nine. you are something that someone has been waiting their entire life for hymn ten. her lips didn’t have to move her silence told the story of a woman who reached a breaking point and was no longer willing to fight for someone who didn’t deserve her effort hymn eleven. you can’t always see it but she’s fighting something she’s at war within herself and she refuses to be defeated hymn twelve. not all darkness is bad evil things can travel in the light hymn thirteen. it’s weird because whenever we’re together heaven feels real to me hymn fourteen. plant kisses on her heart and watch the flowers grow hymn fifteen. decide to be gentle with your own heart hymn sixteen. you’re just a beautiful misfit deserving of a love that keeps you free hymn seventeen. in a world filled with destruction you are the perfect distraction hymn eighteen. you have to be brave sweetheart courage looks good on you hymn nineteen. you’ve hidden so much of what you’ve felt in the corners of your heart refusing to open up out of fear of being hurt again hymn twenty. she held madness like a flower hymn twenty-one. we are all mad at something we’ve all been betrayed by someone hymn twenty-two. she is music there are melodies inside of her that most people don’t deserve to hear hymn twenty-three. understand that you tried your best and that will always be enough even when others are incapable of appreciating it hymn twenty-four. don’t be his second option don’t be the one he calls when no one else answers hymn twenty-five. her heart was the only poem i needed to read hymn twenty-six. solitude is a deep romance with self hymn twenty-seven. the heart lingers in the hands of those incapable of keeping it safe and i’ve become one of those people who falls in love with lies that sound like the truth hymn twenty-eight. some women feel like a blissful form of chaos the type of chaos you want in your life hymn twenty-nine. i wish you loved you as much as you loved him hymn thirty. you must awaken your own strength you have the power to create power November falls into winter. beneath the chill in my soul and the overcrowding of my mind is a heart that is both afraid and willing to be loved i shake like earthquakes trembling like the weakest spine i fall like raindrops or leaves that belong to trees in November remember, i am a creature who has been broken by the hands of past loves understand that i am hurting still trying to recover still trying to rebuild standing still, afraid to move forward and yet i desire to put distance between myself and what lives behind me i’m fighting to put distance between an awful past and a tough present as i struggle to look toward a future in which i’m happy your sister I. she’s your enemy and yet she’s your sister bound by blood altered by jealousy your sister II. she’s the color green still managing to see red while watching you evolve into everything she’d eventually envy family is just a word until those with certain titles give purpose to those labels and it just so happens that your sister would rather play against you than cheer for you as you chase after your dreams could it be that your ability to rise right before her eyes has completely twisted her up with rage growing on the inside overflowing with the poison of jealousy noticeably spilling from her no longer able to keep hidden by fake smiles and empty compliments the life after you. my life ended the moment i fell for you and somehow deep down i realized that in order to live again i had to live without you fractured hands. you’re going to hurt yourself holding on to the same hand that pushes you closer to heartache you are here now. she kept her eyes on the pages of this book searching for something to calm the rage that found its way into her soul not knowing that the only thing worth finding was herself and this very page these words were just a reminder you are her, i know. what a deadly feeling it must be to fall heart-first into a space next to someone incapable of loving you the way you deserve and how terrible it must be to find it difficult to walk away from someone you shouldn’t stay with half love, half hurtful. love doesn’t feel like love when one-sided love falls short of love when it isn’t reciprocated and though we may act as if this half love, this half hurtful sort of thing is a love that we can deal with we later find ourselves feeling empty and the worst feeling is feeling nothing when all you want is to feel loved to love and not be loved in return is the most destructive kind of love that type of love is a love that causes us to lose love for ourselves [image: blank space] believing in him was the mistake that cost you so much of your life too young, so young. 15 or maybe it was 16 possibly younger your hunger for attention while being ignored by those who helped create you 15 or maybe it was 16 possibly younger the hunger of male counterparts watching you like prey reaching for your father’s hand while some young man destroyed your heart searching for your mother’s voice but the silence sits in the air while you claim to love someone who never truly cared too young too hurt 15 or maybe it was 16 these were her memories. she’s starting to remember she’s starting to remember you in ways she thought she’d forget she can recall all the pain caused entirely by you and your desire to destroy everything that was once beautiful within her eating away at her appetite for living she became a shell of herself as her skin dried up and the fat hugging her bones began to fade she gave you everything her entire life force her soul’s energy invested in a space that would provide her with nothing in return she became a walking skeleton a dead soul, fighting to live in the memory of who she was all because she tried to love you the raising of self. a child a young soul an innocent heart forced to raise yourself in a world content with misunderstanding you a child a young soul an innocent heart in need of guidance and so you reached for your own hand because others have failed you a voiceless child. no one hears you no matter how much you scream you yell into an empty well your echoes sound like silence to those who refuse to listen you suffocate beneath the weight of your adolescence your opinions are weightless because those opinions come from the child and sadly no one listens to the kids 3:13:13a.m. no matter what you do no matter how hard you try sometimes no amount of effort can prevent you from losing the people you wish to keep isn’t enough. sometimes being loving doesn’t get you love and being kind doesn’t bring you kindness being who you are being all that you are will never be enough for someone who isn’t good enough for you preferred solitude, alone. misplaced several times then discarded like a piece of paper that ran out of space it’s unfortunate but somehow you were fortunate to survive the anguish, the betrayal, the chaos and the lies there’s still a part of you that resents the part of yourself that cared for all the people who never cared about you reaching out to them when they never reached out to you saying the phone works both ways but no one reaches out to you trying, failed try again, fail some more until you realized that it was time to only reach for yourself you became everything they were incapable of becoming you are everything they will never be and even still, it hurts the understanding that being alone is best and loneliness is what you now prefer your family, not family. they always seem to return when all the hard work is finished they add nothing to the journey but bumps and bruises and yet they wait for you at the finish line with their hands open expecting to be greeted with kindness even when they’ve spent most of their energy being unkind toward you. taking credit for what you’ve done alone. taking credit for your joy when all they’ve ever done was hurt you reaching into nothingness. you’re trying but they rarely make an effort to match whatever energy you’ve invested in the action of maintaining their interest you’ve been fighting this battle alone you’ve been fighting to keep someone who has yet to fight for you these wars are the most painful of all these battles are usually the loneliest reaching for the same hand that bruises you reaching for the same hand that refuses to reach back in a sense, you are reaching into a pit of darkness a great hole of nothingness without realizing that the void in your soul cannot be filled with the presence of an absentminded individual it began there. i blame the movies television shows and music for making young girls believe that bad boys were ideal and everyone else who failed to warn them of the blood that they spill or the things that they take and the hearts that they break the compliments the love and all the things that they fake [image: blank space] and in the midst of feeling weak and in the moment of hoping for help you realized that you alone have been doing this by yourself 2.3.96. i’m tired of watching you force your heart into unclean hands expecting an unclean man to appreciate something so pure you’re too good for him but you refuse to see it kept blind by your eagerness to be everything to a man who can’t do anything for you but break your heart and let you down you’re tired but you’re too strong to let go and so you hold on to something that no longer deserves to be kept and i’m just tired of watching you love someone who will never love you back gn. he texted you right? claiming to miss you claiming to care even though he’s rarely there those lies cause confusion he chose himself but you always choose him a lack of love that kept you hurting forcing yourself to fix something that was never working he texted you right? only because he’s bored horny, tired of the person he left you for claiming to love you but that’s the same man who left you to fuck someone else ignore his messages and he’ll text somebody with the same old lines the same old lies that man doesn’t deserve your love sweetheart, open your eyes 5:38:10a.m. i think you’re just this beautiful misfit nothing wrong with being different in search of something real in search of someone who will listen someone who will care someone who will stay a love that brings you closer a love that never strays i think it’s beautiful the way you fight for what you want the kind of woman who isn’t afraid to request what she deserves i think you’re something rare out of sorts, far from ordinary strong-minded, big heart willing to do the necessary i know it’s been tough this search for love will break you down and i apologize on behalf of any man who has let you down 22 minutes beyond midnight. i wish you knew that in a dark sky full of stars you’re the only one worth looking at i’d sleep all day if it meant visiting you in a dream i know that many men have attempted the things i wish to do but i also understand that most of them were too weak to fall for you your eyes like fireflies simply guiding me through darkness like a cart filled with thoughts searching for a place to park it i’d like to venture to your garden plant this seed and watch it grow i’ve been searching for someone like you, a mate for my aching soul overdosing of heartache. you were poison resting in a glass bottle labeled love you were the lie that i believed but you were never what i needed through. create an exit and let him leave he doesn’t deserve to stay the noise in my head. it’s like waking up from a good dream and forcing yourself back to sleep in hopes of picking up where you left off only to discover that you can’t go back and no matter how hard you try it’ll never be the same [image: blank space] the wrong love makes the poet want to write weak and worn. i think somehow i’ve remained there a place where pain lives a place where life shouldn’t exist but i’ve been lost in this wondering where wandering here grieving, once believing in you confusion crept up in my mind as i consumed most of your lies our relationship now tarnished like weak metals worn out like old fabric [image: blank space] don’t let them play you like notes 4:54:44p.m. it happens too much the doing of so much for someone who makes you feel like your everything is never enough [image: blank space] i wonder what lies you told yourself to keep you in a relationship that was never meant to last broken fuse. aren’t you tired of being this tired your love taken for granted your heart continuously aching all for a love that isn’t love all for someone who gives you nothing remembering to forget. it’s hard to forget someone who used to make your soul smile but it’s even harder to remember everything they used to be it rains in her. it’s always raining there her heart swells with sadness the joy of this world escapes her grasp maybe this is why she holds on to things that never last just to feel like she has something even though that something is the nothing that makes her feel empty i think there’s a part of me that aches for her a part of me that wishes that i could touch her hand maybe hold it once just to remind her that everything will be fine you are, you are. i have something to tell you one last thing to say here i have something i need you to know before i go before we part before this ends you are more than you probably know you are valuable, just in case you forgot you are . . . wait hold on . . . there’s a knock at the door . . . index #. 2.3.96. 3:13:13a.m. 4:54:44p.m. 5:38:10a.m. 22 minutes beyond midnight. a. after them. all the mighty. aperture. asking the night. a voiceless child. b. broken fuse. e. echoes of ex. f. for once. fractured hands. g. gn. h. half love, half hurtful. hymn eight. hymn eighteen. hymn eleven. hymn fifteen. hymn five. hymn four. hymn fourteen. hymn nine. hymn nineteen. hymn one. hymn seven. hymn seventeen. hymn six. hymn sixteen. hymn ten. hymn thirteen. hymn thirty. hymn three. hymn twelve. hymn twenty. hymn twenty-eight. hymn twenty-five. hymn twenty-four. hymn twenty-nine. hymn twenty-one. hymn twenty-seven. hymn twenty-six. hymn twenty-three. hymn twenty-two. hymn two. i. isn’t enough. it began there. it rains in her. j. July 9th 2017. n. November falls into winter. o. overdosing of heartache. p. preferred solitude, alone. r. reaching into nothingness. remembering to forget. s. scene eight. scene eighteen. scene eleven. scene fifteen. scene five. scene four. scene fourteen. scene nine. scene nineteen. scene one. scene seven. scene seventeen. scene six. scene sixteen. scene ten. scene thirteen. scene thirty. scene thirty-eight. scene thirty-five. scene thirty-four. scene thirty-one. scene thirty-seven. scene thirty-six. scene thirty-three. scene thirty-two. scene three. scene twelve. scene twenty. scene twenty-eight. scene twenty-five. scene twenty-four. scene twenty-nine. scene twenty-one. scene twenty-seven. scene twenty-six. scene twenty-three. scene twenty-two. scene two. self, July 9th. still mourning. t. thank you love. the life after you. the noise in my head. the raising of self. these were her memories. through. too young, so young. w. weak and worn. y. you are here now. you are her, i know. you are, you are. your family, not family. your sister I. your sister II. she felt like feeling nothing copyright © 2018 by r.h. Sin. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. Andrews McMeel Publishing a division of Andrews McMeel Universal 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106 www.andrewsmcmeel.com ISBN: 978-1-4494-9474-2 Library of Congress Control Number: 2017963146 Editor: Patty Rice Art Director: Diane Marsh Production Editor: David Shaw Production Manager: Cliff Koehler Digital Production: Kristen Minter attention: schools and businesses Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department: email@example.com. Check out these other great titles from Andrews McMeel Publishing! [image: ] [image: ] [image: ] [image: ] [image: 1.png] Contents Also by r.h. Sin Title scene one. scene two. scene three. scene four. scene five. scene six. scene seven. scene eight. scene nine. scene ten. scene eleven. scene twelve. scene thirteen. scene fourteen. scene fifteen. scene sixteen. scene seventeen. scene eighteen. scene nineteen. scene twenty. scene twenty-one. scene twenty-two. scene twenty-three. scene twenty-four. scene twenty-five. scene twenty-six. scene twenty-seven. scene twenty-eight. scene twenty-nine. scene thirty. scene thirty-one. scene thirty-two. scene thirty-three. scene thirty-four. scene thirty-five. scene thirty-six. scene thirty-seven. scene thirty-eight. still mourning. echoes of ex. after them. thank you love. self, July 9th. aperture. July 9th 2017. all the mighty. asking the night. for once. hymn one. hymn two. hymn three. hymn four. hymn five. hymn six. hymn seven. hymn eight. hymn nine. hymn ten. hymn eleven. hymn twelve. hymn thirteen. hymn fourteen. hymn fifteen. hymn sixteen. hymn seventeen. hymn eighteen. hymn nineteen. hymn twenty. hymn twenty-one. hymn twenty-two. hymn twenty-three. hymn twenty-four. hymn twenty-five. hymn twenty-six. hymn twenty-seven. hymn twenty-eight. hymn twenty-nine. hymn thirty. November falls into winter. your sister I. your sister II. the life after you. fractured hands. you are here now. you are her, i know. half love, half hurtful. too young, so young. these were her memories. the raising of self. a voiceless child. 3:13:13a.m. isn’t enough. preferred solitude, alone. your family, not family. reaching into nothingness. it began there. 2.3.96. gn. 5:38:10a.m. 22 minutes beyond midnight. overdosing of heartache. through. the noise in my head. weak and worn. 4:54:44p.m. broken fuse. remembering to forget. it rains in her. you are, you are. index Copyright Other titles from AMP! Landmarks Cover Table of Contents